We are recording our Top Ten of 2013 tonight. I have a top six. I don’t listen to much music anymore and I’m going to try to change it. These are songs that represent the albums I enjoyed the most in this year and I thought maybe you guys would enjoy them too. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I done goofed.

I’m still here and still trying to be good. I just have a life that’s hard to fit tumblr into. Doesn’t help that the little downtime I do have at work is coupled with the slowest work computer ever. I’m just trying to find my balance.

Still here

Between birthday, Halloween, and coming down with a cold, I’ve taken it easy the last few days. Probably going for a run on Tuesday if all is well by then, and back to meal planning tomorrow - want to have a good healthy run up to thanksgiving :)

Tumblr Accountability for October 28th

The weekend was lost to a hangover like none other. And today’s my birthday so I ain’t tracking shit.

I got an edible arrangement from my boss and coworkers so I’ll eat some fruit today.

Yesterday was good - I ran and it felt good.

Now I’m going to plot my lunch. NOM. NOM NOM NOM.

I just stress-ate some candy at work and my heart is going like a hummingbird

GUESS MODERATION REALLY IS KEY.

One piece: fine, two even: fine.

Anything else: NO NO NO NO NO

Tumblr Accountability for October 24th

I forget how many days I’ve done.

One thing: I’m not tracking today or tomorrow. Tonight is a birthday dinner for me (!!!) at Alex’s family’s home, and tomorrow I have birthday breakfast with my parents and Alex in Portland, and then a Harry Potter themed party in the evening with friends. I am going to eat carefully during the day today and enjoy dinner, and then enjoy breakfast and the party tomorrow, but have a responsible meal/snacks between the two.


So yesterday, it was pub quiz night, so we had burgers and I tasted some of Alex’s food and I had some beer. No regrets.

My computer at work doesn’t handle posting on Tumblr too well so the formatting isn’t what I’d like. Whatever!

Anyway. Um. That’s about it. Carry on.

A Non-Scale Victory

Sharing the positive is always great. Yes? Yes. 

I bought some new work clothes about 2-3 weeks ago. In that bunch was a pair of black slacks that were too tight to button or zip. Normally, this far into re-starting I wouldn’t dream of buying clothes because I knew I was probably going to fuck it up and waste money buying clothes I can’t wear.

Well, I’m wearing these pants now. They are a bit snug but in a comfortable way (definitely not painful/restrictive). And I got to share the news with Alex, because I need him to believe I’m moving in the right direction. 

We’ve also been going to bed much earlier in part because sleeping is awesome, but in part because my damn cat is a nuisance who starts meowing super early in the morning. He sleeps in our largest closet that closes with a standard door, and last night I lined the walls with old drapes so soften the echo because that asshole sits there and meows. We had two victories: one, he didn’t meow at ALL last night, not even when Alex went down to get his water bottle after we’d gone to bed; two: his meowing this morning was definitely far quieter than it had been previously until I went to the bathroom at about 6 AM. Then that asshole got loud, but it was still quieter with my fabric method, I believe. 

I got a new litter system for him called The Breeze System which has pellets instead of litter, and if we can effectively keep him from tracking litter around the house, and prevent him from waking up with his meowing (the ASPCA says it may be stress due to the move, and the new routine of having to go to his room each night), then I won’t have to find a new home for him.

Yeah, it’s been so bad we may need to surrender him. It would break my heart but I am starting to see that if we run out of options, we can’t live like that. I don’t want to, but I also don’t know how long the positives can or will outweigh the negatives. Or if they even do right now. 

It’s hard to let go of something or someone you love, even if they’re bad for you. 

Anyway. Pants are on. Calories are tracked. Alex is making me breakfast sandwich. I will eat fruit most of the day because I want to have a nice dinner when we go to pub quiz. My digestive issues seem to be better, ish. Life is okay. It might even be good. 

Tumblr Accountability: Days Eight and Nine I think

Yesterday’s Food: 

(I ate all I could and damn it was fine)

I almost ate a tortilla but I realized I didn’t need it so I didn’t have it. 

Then today was weird. I had an AWESOME scramble for breakfast, and then I proceeded to feel mega ill and everything I ate the entire day went straight through me. Then I grabbed a wrap while grocery shopping and felt better. Then I had chicken ceasar salad and wine and felt MUCH better. Super glad I was able to have wine and stay on point with calories today. 

Also I have had a weird abdominal pain, I think muscular, which has been AWFUL. Waking up during the night each time I needed to roll over, crying out in pain when I needed to get up - it’s finally going away. I had intended to run last night but the pain was JUST THAT BAD. No kidding. 

anyway. 

yeah.

I need to get real and I haven’t really been real.

So, some facts: things were rocky for a WHILE with me and Alex, and I was ignoring it a LOT. I basically pressured him to propose to me while he was drunk, which he did. He does not regret proposing to me, but he does regret not being able to do it in its own time. In his own time.

So we are still engaged, in love, and live together. We are really happy lately and still working through a lot of the tough shit, together. He broke open the “this is what’s wrong” box this summer, and it was SO TOUGH. The hardest thing I might have ever experienced to be told I wasn’t holding up my end of the bargain. But we got through a lot then, and things have gotten better. I am not going to go into too many details about this, but suffice it to say, I must have something going for me to have him want to work this hard and stick it out because he WANTED to and thinks I am important.

Our wedding is postponed indefinitely. That doesn’t mean anything other than that. It just means we aren’t planning it right now, we aren’t thinking about it right now, we’re just getting through the life we have together right now. We just moved, the holidays are happening, we’re getting back into fitness, and learning what our new normal is after going through some revelations. Doesn’t mean we won’t get married. Doesn’t mean we will - I no longer feel like I NEED TO in order for love to be real. I also know that not wanting to get married to me doesn’t mean not being with me - it just means not wanting to get married.  I had to unpack that language in my mind.

And I want him more than I want a wedding. I like parties and I like cake, but I love him. So nothing will be done for my wants and whims at the expense of him.

I told you shit was rough while I was gone. Hard work, but worth it.

Tumblr Accountability: Day Seven

I ATE IT ALL TODAY. I was famished. I don’t even care. 

Tomorrow Alex might make me a breakfast sandwich. He loves me. I will have to live on fruit and carrots the rest of the day but it’ll be nomsville. 

Things aren’t easy right now. With love and our lives together. I would give anything for him, and the work is worth it. But there is a lot of work. 

Awww yeah I think we’re already going to sign up for another race

Clark County Turkey Trot 2013 - I’ll do another 5k, Alex can do a 10k and measure his time as he prepares for Hood to Coast next year. He’s also looking at doing a half marathon in December with a friend. 

I’ve got over a month to beat my time: 

643/730. 48:07 total 15:29 per mile 

I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT 

Can I just say how good I feel right now?

I’m abiding by my “race days mean you get to treat yo self afterward” rule and just having fun. I had a big-ass taco salad for lunch, wine throughout the afternoon, and I just snacked on half an apple with cheese. 

Do you know what I used to eat on race days? 

I used to make an entire block of tofu into scramble, then cook up vegan sausage, and hash browns, and eat til I was sick. 

Today I’ve eaten fruit, vegetables, and yes, I indulged, but I feel like I owe it to myself this time to not go on a complete bender. 

Back to tracking tomorrow, for sure. 

I just feel like today was a big significant example of pushing myself. I pushed myself in that run, and I did more today than I’ve done in months. Probably over a year. 

We moved to a condo that has a gym with an elliptical, which is all I’ve been using at LA Fitness. I told Alex I was going to cancel LA, because why pay for both.

"Yeah, but are you actually going to use it (the elliptical at our gym)?"

"Yes, I promise." 

"Don’t promise me."

"I’m promising myself." 

This whole time, he’s wanted me to be better for me. I haven’t wanted to be better for me, only for him. I don’t know why that wasn’t working, because I love him more than anything, but I guess hating myself while trying to love him was just so damn reductive and self-defeating. 

I just feel happy, and appreciative. Of him. Of myself. For us. 

It’s marvelous.

Run Like Hell 5k Recap

We got there extra early because my experience with downtown races is OMG NO PARKING. But we found parking. So we hung around the booths for a while and everyone thought the bathrobe idea was super good (as it was freezing cold).

Then we queued up for the start. 

And then the start was delayed for over an hour because there was a train stopped on the course. 

We went, I ran intervals the entire way, and my legs felt pretty good. Alex was insanely encouraging and we think we got in under our goal of 45 minutes. Yeah, so much slower than I used to do, but any start and any run and any attempt is good. 

I told Alex as we got near the end, “You know how I told you my mantra is ‘you can do this?’ - well, at races, my other mantra is ‘finish strong,’ so we need to finish strong.” And wheezing, I crossed the finish line running, and then we trekked to the car, went to Starbucks, and split a bagel since my blood sugar had done crashed due to the effing delay. 

Now I’m at home, with a fire going, and about to make a taco salad before I take a shower. Today has been such a good day so far. The love of my life was with my every step of the way, and that’s better than anything. 

Tumblr Accountability: Day Six

Ugh ugh ugh, please don’t drink your calories, Kelzor. 

I initially wanted to just drink two whiskey sours (which I did, and the ones I had were thinned down because the whiskey and the sour were too strong - so between the two drinks it was more like 1.5 portions but I counted two, so…) but our friends were over for dinner and they brought us a bottle of wine, and Alex opened and poured it for me, and then got a refill, and my willpower crumbled and I had a third glass. 

Here’s the calculated food - it’s an estimate, on both lunch and dinner, but I think I over-counted some things. Roughly. 

Breakfast was an awesome omelette. I should have cooked the tomatoes first because they were runny and the cheese didn’t melt. But that plus coffee, 10/10 would eat again. (Idk why my pictures all rotated on me if they look weird to you).

Lunch was a bbq plate from a food cart in the Mississippi Marketplace. I ate all of this except 1/2 of the roll and most of the cornbread - Alex had those. So there was 1 very reasonable serving of pork, some awesome roasted vegetables, a teeny salad, and a little bit of white flour consumed. SO AWESOME. There was BBQ sauce we could pour on the food but this was so flavorful I didn’t need a drop. And the portions were very, very good. 

Dinner was burritos for everyone. Except I skipped the tortilla, and instead piled my plate with iceberg, tomatoes, salsa, and then some beans, cheese, rice, and guacamole. Look how much guacamole I didn’t eat - the tub is right behind my plate. I didn’t count the rice because I think I over-counted the beans. It was like mostly lettuce when I was eating it. And I would have had more, but wine. 

Now we’re off to do the Run Like Hell 5k. We won’t be running it, much, because my calves have been seizing up every time I’ve gone running for the past two months. I had to quit 4 weeks into Couch-to-5k because it was so painful. Hopefully getting some weight back off will help with running, but as Alex says, maybe I’m just older now, and maybe it’s just not going to be as easy as it was last time. Maybe. 

Our costumes are “Mom and Dad Late For Work” and we’re going to have bath robes over our running gear, and drink our water out of travel mugs, and everyone else will be so jelly because we are so warm on race day. 

This should be a lot of fun - I can’t wait to see all of the other costumes. 

Tumblr Accountability: Day Five

I have to say, I am really feeling the “eat fewer carbs” thing. I stay just as full, and I’d rather drink whiskey with my man than eat bread in the AM. I just have to make sure I’m getting enough vegetables, and still some fruit - today we’re having friends over for dinner, and I’m doing build-it-yourself burritos. I’ll go tortilla-less, and I’m also cutting up a honeydew melon, setting out strawberries, and having tons of salsa, tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, etc. for to build a plate. I’m gonna get my taco-salad on. 

This week has been about re-learning, un-learning, and trying new things to keep myself full without binge-eating. I have to decide where I really want to spend my calories. I really like that sweet coffee creamer, and I really have to have ketchup on my sweet potato fries, but I don’t need bread with breakfast, or rice with lunch, or to snack on pretzels or popcorn. Luckily, this time around, I have a job which keeps me busy. I used to watch the clock to see when I could eat next - now I pack extra food and I’m not getting to it. There is an apple, a yogurt, a bag of almonds, rice cakes, and a few cans of tomato soup at work that I’d meant to get to all week. But I’m not bored, so I don’t mindlessly eat. Or eat when there’s nothing else to do. 

I don’t know why it took me so long to want to do this again. But the last few days, I’ve just felt So Right with my decisions. Yeah, right now I’m not too restrictive with calories. I remember going from binge-town to like a strict 1200 and that was so stupid. My hunger had no adjustment periods. I’ll gradually adjust down to like a daily max of 1700-1800, depending on my activity levels. 

Alex told me last night that I don’t really understand how hard it’s been on him that I wasn’t taking care of myself. That breaks my heart. 

I have so much I need to do to fix myself so I can make everything as good with him as it used to be. Loving myself, caring for myself, all of that - it needs to be reinstated. When I loved myself the most, it was the easiest for both of us to love each other freely. I don’t want the work of a long-term relationship to be the majority of what the relationship entails. I want silly fun and love and hanging out and wanting to be with each other to be the majority of our time and energy. We’re getting back there. It was a really hard summer for us, and it could have resulted in a really negative conclusion at least a couple of times. It’s good that we were tested, and we’re committed to each other. I just can’t slip up and become angry and self-loathing again. 

Because if you don’t love yourself, you have no reason to believe anyone else should love you either. 

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And that steak was amazeballz. 

Getting married after getting re-fat-ed up. My biggest motivation in life right now is knowing I would die of embarrassment if my wedding pictures look like shit so basically I have 1.5 years to look BOMB which gives me plenty of time to do it HEALTHY-like. Hippie-ish vegan living in Vancouver, WA with the incomparable http://alexdeeley.blogspot.com/

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